Monday, May 13, 2013

So far...

This is something I just really feel needs to be said. I need to kind of get it out of my system, so that's your warning.

I seem to have a love/hate relationship with those people that tell you that you are capable of anything and can do exactly what you want in life. Doesn't always happen, and those few success stories come from more hard work than I could ever imagine. I like the idea of thinking that I can put my mind towards something and successfully complete it, but sometimes setting your mind to it is difficult. And sometimes you realize your heart isn't in it. That's kind of where I'm at right now. My heart is fully in it. 

In what, you may ask. Well in the whole pursuing a career in teaching thing. Yes, I know. That's what my major was. That's what I went to school for. That's what I should be doing and what I had talked about doing for so long. Now before I get into it I just thought I should throw this out there: I am not saying that I never want to teach. I don't want people to think that I thought it was too hard and just gave up (it is tough, but if my heart was really in it I think all that hard work would be worth it right?). I did struggle with my student teaching, but I think that's where I started to fully grasp a few things that my field experiences weren't teaching me. First off, I was not getting the evaluations I deserved. I really think that my professor that was evaluating me was lazy and just wanted us all to give him a good review, therefore giving me an A and a review showing good things. Plus, field experience is still a lot of work with the teacher and with a lot of support. Student teaching is where it kind of slid and I was very on my own. And on my own is not good with a fairly large group of children. I couldn't do a lot of things that I should have been able to do after all my experiences and schooling. Secondly, I want to be able to help students grow. I'm not saying that teachers don't do that. I know so many teachers that are wonderful and all, but I feel like in a large group like that I struggled to help the students. I felt like I really struggled and reaching all these students, and I so wanted to and it killed me. In small groups I found that to be the opposite. Put me in a group of 5-10 students and I can really work with them and help them. I saw so much improvement when I worked with them and felt so much more of a connection with them. But when I was with a large group I struggled, and I fear that a lot of them did too. Third, I seem to have formed quite the opinion of the public school systems and what they are doing for the students. I don't really want to go into it but if you wanna chat sometime over coffee or something we sure can. If I had to summarize though I feel like it's not really looking out for the students and not helping them all like it claims to be. I don't want to be a part of that. I want to be helpful. I want to help children grow both academically and personally.

I remember my logic when I decided to go into education. And believe me, it was not to help the students academically. My main reason upon choosing that major was so that I could be there for a student if they were ever in a situation like I was when I was 13, or that my brother was when he was younger or my sister. When we lost our dad to cancer it was definitely hard for me to concentrate on school, and many of my teachers were so helpful and so caring. I want to be that for a student. When they go through  a personal crisis I would love to be the person that they look to for support. That was my one and only reason. Now I also want to work with kids on reading. It really bothers me on how little kids these days read and how terrible they are about making inferences, because they do it all the time. It's definitely something that helps you improve yourself in many ways. Though I have those reasons, I still don't see the classroom teacher in me.

I love where I am right now, and plan to try to stick it out for awhile longer. I love helping people. I feel really useful at the library and when I'm working in the high school. I feel like I am accomplishing something, even though people seem to think that I'm stuck. I'm helping people find things that they need or want. I'm helping those above me, like my boss or those that I'm assisting, to finish a big project or to get some program started. I'm working with story time and really loving the things that are happening there. The kids get so involved in the story and pick things up that I forget. I really try to get them to relate to the story and to keep them active and engaged throughout the short time they're with me. I love it. I think at this point in my life this is where I belong. I'm not saying I'll be here forever. I'm also not saying that I have completely stopped looking for a job, because I feel like if you completely stop looking then you get behind and don't know what's out there. Who knows, maybe I'll look and find the job that I just know I need to apply for. But at this point in my life I'm happy. It doesn't mean that money isn't tight. I think money is tight for everyone. But I am working hard and happy with what I do.

I am thankful to those that have told me about job openings. I have looked into a lot of those, and there were some that were kind of far away from here (that would have involved moving) that I have come very close to applying to. I appreciate that you are thinking of me. I just really want people to stop looking down on me when I tell them what I'm doing right now. Things could be a lot worse for me, and I'm happy. 

I do pray about this stuff all the time, so please don't think I'm just scared and staying where I feel safe. I am learning a lot. I am really working on coming out of my shell in certain areas of my life. I am doing what I feel I am being told to do. God has definitely taken care of me up to this point in my life, and I really doubt that He has just decided to ignore me for awhile and check back later to see what I'm up to. 

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