Throwing Back to the Summers of My Childhood

I'm still that nerd that loves throwback Thursday. I realize it's kind of dying a little bit, but PSH! I don't care. I love doing this kind of thing, and being that it's STILL summer (though the last month of summer is staring us in the face and I've already seen not 1, not 2, but 3 facebook updates about people wanting fall, which I kinda feel like we're already in because it has not been that warm this summer..sorry...I'll stop ranting about that. I love fall, but I also love summer) I thought I would look back at some of those songs that I remember hearing as a child in the summer (that I neglected my laundry yesterday, so I thought while things are washing I could do this). Mostly, these songs came from the setting of the swimming pool, because that's basically what I spent my summer doing. Between pool afternoons and library trips, I was good to go.

(Some summertime pictures for ya.)

 These songs are from the late 90's/early 00's and every time I hear them I think of warmth, sunshine, swimming, and summertime. 

Ohhh Sugar Ray. I must say, you are my number one for summertime nostalgia. It was hard to pick just one song, but I need to limit myself. This song just SCREAMS summer. I want to be casually scoping out the pool, trying to see if my friends are there. Playing Marco Polo (which I HATED) or Colors (which I SUCKED at) while jamming to this fabulous song. It just makes me want to lay out and swim. Curse you laundry for keeping me inside today! I feel the need to head to the beach this weekend now. If this doesn't take you back to the summer, then something is wrong...I'm sorry.

Smash Mouth, another regular summer jam for me. As much as I love All Star, I feel like I heard this one more. And, I listened to All Star year round. This song seemed to be reserved for summer time for me. Another one that makes me want to lay out on a pool deck and just soak up summertime sun. Plus, how fun does this video look? I mean I kinda want to be a part of all the dancing on the beach in this one. It just makes me smile.

Here's another one guys. Seriously, summer time. Makes me smell the chlorine and think of hand stand contests (which I obviously was pro at). And now I know what I was missing while listening to this as a child, an adult beverage. I don't know what it is, but I want a cocktail of some sort while listening to this. Of course, as a child I was probably drinking a Pepsi from the pop machine during break and snacking on the crackers we brought from my house. Which makes me think of that time a bee went into my sister's pop and she freaked (she didn't get stung, and I guess I would freak too). Don't act like you aren't singing along to this song.

Ugh, seriously guys. This just makes me miss my childhood and the swimming pool a bit. It's actually the first summer EVER in my lifetime that I am not spending a little bit of time at the local pool in my hometown. It's kind of strange to think about, and songs like this make me miss those carefree days swimming with my friends. Unfortunately, those days were probably a little too carefree (I maybe put sunscreen on once or twice a summer), but oh well. Moving on.

I realize I'm going to get a little repetitive about things that I say, because they all kind of give me the same feelings of summer as a kid. SO from this point on I'll just put a few more videos up, and say something if I really feel the need.

Yep, good old Faith Hill. My pool time was spent between country music and the current pop/alternative hits. I'm guess it all depended on who got to the radio first for the day (heck, I know that's how it goes. I worked at that pool for years.).

And now I'll end my country section. I think you can figure out what other country songs make me think of summer and my childhood.

Annnnd then there's a few that are just obvious.

AAAAAANNNNNDDD I'm done. I realize that there are so many songs I could put on here. What are some key ones I missed? Though, If I have Sugar Ray and Smash Mouth...do I really need anything else? 

I'm thinking it's time for a return trip to the beach

Top Ten Tuesday: Deserted Island

I really wanted to do another Throwback Thursday last week, since diving through all those old music videos was really fun and got me all nostalgic. Alas, I was way too sick for that. I honestly couldn't even compose a thought. I am finally feeling better though, and am more than happy to do this weeks Top Ten Tuesday (thank you The Broke and the Bookish). This week's top ten: top ten characters I'd want on a deserted island with me.

Ok, this is no easy task. Basically these are just the first that come to my mind. I tried to go 5 males and 5 females (because I do not want to be trapped on a deserted island with 10 other females, not matter who they are. Can you imagine the drama? And being trapped with 10 males would just make me feel awkward...). Ok, so here it goes. No judgements please. This could easily change.

1) Katniss- Duh. She can hunt and she is typically pretty smart and thinks about what she's doing (typically, I did say typically). She knows a lot of basic life skills, so if we were stuck on this island she could definetely help us trying to form some sort of system as far as surviving there. Her experience living in district 12 as well as being in the hunger games would be super useful.

2) Finnick- First off, I can't stand Peeta! UGH! And I do like Gale, but I'd think he'd be a bit dramatic and such. Finnick is an excellent swimmer, and can spear fish. He also is quick on his feet and has survived a few hunger games. I think he's really work well with us, and he and Katniss had more of a friendship, which is helpful since she clearly doesn't know how to function in a relationship.

3) Hermoine- Obviously super smart, and can apply her smarts to every day life. I mean, did you pay attention in the 7th book? She was awesome. She is a planner, which would help us in daily survival. Plus, having someone that can work magic would be awesome. That and she could probably apparate us off of the deserted island.

4) Neville- OH NO, I'm breaking up the 3 musketeers. I love Harry and Ron, but they always get in little tiffs and I don't need that on my deserted island. I'm sure they'll find us eventually. But Neville...he's so cool. He's pretty normal, and has an extensive knowledge of plants and all sorts of things in the subject matter of herbology. I think that would be incredibly useful. That and he was pretty awesome in the last Harry Potter book, so why wouldn't he be awesome here?

5) Scarlett/Will Scarlet (from the Scarlet Series by A.C. Gaughen. Haven't read it? That's unfortunate and you should change that)-Scarlet is awesome. She's sneaky, so you would have to keep an eye on that, but it could also work in our advantage. She's quick on her feet and can easily scout out good spots for us to set up camp. She has experience living off of the land a little bit, and that would also come in great use here. She has excellent ideas that we could use each day.

6) Robin Hood (from that same series. Seriously, check it out)- Robin is pretty much always doing stuff with Scarlet. They have a history of constantly having each other's back, and they are very trustworthy. Robin and Scarlet work well together too, so as far as scouting and stuff goes I think we'd be in good shape. They also can hunt and can read the land a bit. I think this would be good.

7) June (from the Legend Series by Marie Lu. Another one you should check out if you haven't. It's fantastic. I liked it more than the Hunger Games, but please don't tell Katniss or Finnick)- June is one tough chick. She has extensive military training and has had to track down people and use it in a wide variety of settings. She has seen a lot, so the things we could come up against in a deserted island wouldn't shock her too much. She is smart, and thinking of all the possibilities for whatever she may be about to do. She's smart in a way that a lot of the other characters I've picked so far are not, which we would need.

8) Day (from that same series. Yes...READ IT)- He also works well with June. He has lived with much less than her, and with a lot more to lose. He is used to living with little, and knows the best way to make the most out of a little. He is also smart in similar ways as June, and I think it would be helpful to have those smarts in both a male and female (let's be honest, males and females think differently...so having two heads in on all kinds of strategy would be much more helpful than just one.).

9) Yelena (from Poison Study by Maria Snyder. I just read this one, and think it's also worth a read)- She is a strong woman that came from some rough stuff in her past. She knows what poisons taste like, so that could be helpful (no one said there was no possibility of getting poisoned on this island). She would also know what goes into poisons (she's read a lot of books) as well as many other things that relate to poison, magic, and various military-like things. She is smart and can easily get out of a sticky situation.

10) DEADPOOL (from the graphic novels, duh)- Yes, you read that right. Because when all else fails Deadpool can get his way out of ANYTHING, and I mean anything. If you haven't read the graphic novels you really should. Plus he seems to always been entertaining. I would be totally ok with him being on the island with us. I'd be sure we'd have tacos and all would be good. Plus, he'd probably leave us pretty quickly.

side note: I did not put Valek from Poison Study on this list. If you read the books you would know, he is always close behind....

So that's it. That's my list that I could come up with right now. I'm pretty happy with my selections, though I know there are lots of other I could add.

(Deadpool understands....)

Top Ten Tuesday!

I have, once again, been slacking in participating in something I enjoy. Go figure right. Well, I thought this was a perfectly fun and easy one to kind of ease myself back into it, because I love Top Ten Tuesday (thanks to a blog I follow... The Broke and the Bookish). This week's Top Ten...TV Shows or Movies. But, as you all know, I LOVE movies but can never pick top ten. And then I have to deal with the whole do I call Harry Potter one movie, or do I count each individual one as a movie. I tried, but it wasn't worth the struggle. Yep, good luck picking just the top 10 TV shows right? But I'm going to try my best. Here we go (in no particular order).

Project Runway!

Oh man, I love this show. I love Tim Gunn and would love to have him over for tea or whatever and just talk about life, seriously. I think the reason I love this show it that I love watching these people create these HUGE works of art for their models to wear for each challenge. The time restraint makes it even more amazing in my eyes, especially since I myself am no sewing expert. I also love the cheesy reality show drama. There's always that one person that you cannot stand, and that person has HUGE drama with another person. It's one of my favorite reality shows. 

Parks and Recreation!

Ok, I must admit...this show took some time to grow on me. I actually HATED the first season. I thought it tried to be too much like The Office (because it started around the time that they were going strong) and it just hurt to watch. But I kept going, because EVERYWHERE I read that this show was so funny and well done. Yep, I made the right choice. I sometimes recommend skipping the first season. All you need to know about that is that there is a pit that Andy fell into (breaking both of his legs) and Ann Perkins meets Leslie to try and get it filled. The end. The actors in this show are amazing, and the jokes and everything are just perfect. There is not one character that I dislike, which is awesome. And they are just doing everything right in my opinion. I'm sad they only have one more season, and that Ann and Chris are gone, but I think that they are going to end it in the perfect way. The last season they definitely started to focus less on Leslie and more on the other characters. I highly highly highly recommend watching this.

How I Met Your Mother!

Ohhhh HIMYM, you are soooo lucky that I love seasons 1-7 as much as I did, because 8 and 9 blew chunks. You had the occasional good joke, but you crushed my hopes and dreams on your series finale. If you haven't heard of this show, or of the hated finale, you should probably get out from under that rock you live under. Basically it follows Ted and his journey to find the mother of his kids. The whole time he is actually telling his kids the story. Imagine, a story that takes 9 years to tell. Ted, stop talking so much. I must say, I strongly disliked Ted. Ted was the character that was just stupid, and making super ridiculous decisions and was kind of full of himself in my opinion. I watched this show for the other characters and the talent of the writers (for the most part). They had some of the best running jokes that I can think of and the characters were just constantly entertaining. This show also caused me tears. No, not because of the ending (UGH, seriously guys) but because the characters go through normal things. Terrible, gut-wrenching break ups, family tragedies, personal tragedies. There are episodes I have to skip because it gets so sad. I like that a comedy can take a situation like some of those and show a way to get through and be happy in the end. I loved this show, but I definitely pretend that season 9 did not exist (I can live with season 8).

Sherlock!

Seriously, how can you go wrong with Benedict Cumberbatch? I know people aren't entirely happy with how things are going, but I'm in love with this show. I think it is so clever and is stacked with fantastic actors. I also kind of love that each season is short. I mean three episodes each lasting an hour and a half seems kind of nice. It gives you time to catch up if you're behind and stuff. Also, it seems that I am in love with British shows. They seem to be able to do shows like this right. I almost feel like as a culture America relies too much on the sex aspect of things. People always need to be involved romantically, but it needs to be like raunchy. I love that a majority of the British dramas that I watch stick away from that. They also seem to always get fantastic actors, whether they are well known or not, and the plot just always sticks with me. I love Sherlock, and I cannot wait for more.

Downton Abbey!

Speaking of all things British...I love this show. I am one of those that is addicted and tries to push it on anyone that is willing to watch. Its one of those dramas that you are so emotionally invested in. I've laughed, I've sobbed (let's not talk about the episode that caused me the most grief), and I've cheered all the characters on through all of their hardships. Stellar cast, amazing filming locations, and amazing costumes. I think this show in general is just gorgeous. I think I love it so much for the same reasons as Sherlock, it doesn't make sex a huge issue. Yes, it happens, but it's not what is making the world go round and causing all the drama between everyone. I have cared for each character in this series (well...there's a few I didn't care for...but that was supposed to happen) and I cannot wait until the next season starts. They do an excellent job of getting some of the history of that time period into it and showing what it does to all the characters in Downton.

Game of Thrones!

Ok, first off...I did not read the books. I honestly couldn't follow them. So many characters doing so many things and then GRRM really likes to describe EVERYTHING, and I just got lost. Second, I realize that this show is a bit controversial in some circles. I know the nudity is ridiculous (yes...I tend to go find something else to do around that time) and there are some serious moral issues. So why do I watch it? The story line is incredible. Like there is so much going on, and you have to hope that your favorite character is going to be alive in the end. GRRM created quite the interesting world for his characters, and I just find watching all of it so interesting. I also see that those doing things that are questionable, morally, tend to struggle a lot at some point because of it. I don't agree with a lot of those things, but I'm always so interested to see who will end up on top.  This is another one with incredible actors and incredible costuming. Seriously, if you have the chance you should look up some of the costumes. The detailing in the outfits is incredible. I realize this show is not for everyone, and I realize that there is a lot that is not so good about this show. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. It's the story line that keeps me involved, though there are many times where I look away, though recently it has not been as bad.

The Walking Dead!

Yea, another show I did not expect to like. I honestly don't care for zombies. It's not that it scares me, I just don't care for it. And this show does get a bit creepy (which is why I will have to wait for Jake to get back from Germany before I can start the new season in October) but it has an interesting story line as well. I love the characters. You would assume that this show is just about people killing zombies to survive, but honestly there's a huge struggle there with each character. They question what they are doing constantly, and have to deal with the aftermath of anything they done. There are repercussions that they face, and there are other people that want to hurt them. This story is so much more than killing zombies to survive, this is surviving while dealing with issues with other people and yourself. The zombies add a lot more complications to those daily issues. I think I like this show because I am a bit of a dystopian nerd. I love reading books where it's suddenly the end of the world, and trying to see what other people think they will do when it's the end. Solid actors in this show, great story line, believable costuming. I mean come on, we can't say that end of the world costumes are gorgeous. 

Gilmore Girls!

Ahhh I loved this show so much. It's one of those I will occasionally binge on because it's just that fantastic. I love the witty banter between Rory and Lorelei and how they approach every situation. In general, I loved Lorelei. She just had this strong independent woman thing going, but in the right way. She wasn't showy about it, just just did it. She may have had ridiculous relationships with men when we all knew she needed to be with Luke, but that is besides the point. The relationship between the mother and daughter is really fun too. It shows a strong bond that definitely gets tested from time to time, but you can see they always pull through. Also, I think it should be said that I was always Team Rory and Jess. I loved those those. I hated Dean, and Logan was THE WORST. I don't think my little blurb is doing this show justice, so if you haven't watched it you should. It ended kinda weird, but I loved it all.

So You Think You Can Dance!

Yea, I've been on a bit of a SYTYCD kick lately. I have missed out on it a lot the past few years with not having TV connections and such, but I am so glad I am able to watch it now. I love seeing the different styles of dance that everyone comes with, and seeing how they can make that translate into a style they never thought they would do. As a past dancer, it makes my night watching this show and a little sad too. I was never at the level of a lot of these dancers, but it does make me miss it. I LOVE that this season we have some tap dancers (I loved tap dancing, and I really want to find a way to start that up again) as well as some legitimate ballerinas. I was getting kind of tired of watching EVERYONE do contemporary dancing. It gets old, but with all the different styles they're bringing in I think this season could be super entertaining. It has been so far!

Mad Men!

I just love to hate Don Draper. I really do. He's a bit of a butthead, but he's also good at what he does. This show is so well done, in my opinion. It's a slow start in the first season, but it definitely picks up. They weave history into this so well. I love how they show where in the world we are with the show and exactly what time frame by showing them all deal with different things like JFK and such. The costumes are fantastic. It seems I really like shows with great costumes, but seriously. I love them all, and kind of wish I had some of them. It has a great group of actors and so much drama. I also really love getting a look at how they did advertising back in the day. I think it's a really cool look back, and it made for an incredible career. And that Don Draper. He's quite good looking, but man...I love to hate him.

Honorable Mentions (TV and Movies)

Obviously this was super hard, and some of them made the list because I'm currently in the middle of watching them and am just loving it. Other TV shows I worth mentioning...Vikings (thank you History Channel), Scandal (yea...it relies on a lot of things I don't like, but it is a little addicting and it makes me question a lot of things), Call the Midwife (another British drama. Very interesting), The Office (the US version obviously. I loved this show so much), and The Voice (it's one of the 3-4 reality competition shows I watch. It's good).

Some movies worth mentioning....500 Days of Summer (it's not your typical love story, which makes it even better), Footloose (the Kevin Bacon one...OBVIOUSLY), Pride and Prejudice (I love the Keira Knightley one. So good), a lot of the recent Marvel movies and X-Men.

And now I should be done. I could keep listing movies for forever, which is why I thought it best to just mention some. I also have a list of TV shows that I am needing to try and finish or try and start. I love reading, but I love TV and movies too.  

That's all I have everyone. I should probably go find something lunch-like since I haven't yet ate today.

It's Throwback Thursday!

And even though I should be getting ready to head out and run errands and then come back for an afternoon of baking and figuring out my life (yes, your typical Thursday right?) I decided that this would be much more fun to do at this moment. I have all day to get the other stuff done and then to dive into a library book. I'm good (and no, I have not found a job yet...but I'm looking. You can only look at jobs and apply for so many in one day before your brain explodes.) right?

So I'm a sucker for Throwback Thursday. All those other things for the other days of the week that they tried to get to catch on...well they suck. My Man Crush Monday is never going to change, so why should I even talk about it. Woman Crush Wednesday? Seriously...I hate the term "Woman Crush."  Stop it ladies, just stop it. I honestly don't know what Tuesday is, but Friday ends up being like flashback which is the same as Thursday so who really cares. I also LOVE looking at old pictures and getting all nostalgic. Maybe its because I live far away from my hometown? Maybe it's because it's really funny to look back and see that as much as I made fun of my dad's mullet I too had a mullet and only hope he has heard my many apologies. I really am sorry dad. But lets be honest, a two year old girl with a slight mullet in the 90's was WAY cuter than a grown man with a mullet. Well...today I really do have a lot of things to accomplish for once, and I thought it would be much more fun to think of some of my past musical obsessions. I only say obsessions because this was an obsession, and I'm still slightly in love with them even though they are no longer a group. I secretly hope for a reunion. The reunion they had at the MTV video awards in 2013...well lets say I was pumped even if it was short lived (SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, get over that already. They were there to support the guy getting the reward, not to try to make it all happen again. It was in support of him. They'll never do a reunion tour or make music again...we have to move on).

Yes...I'm talking NSYNC. The ultimate group to throw back to on this Thursday.

We start in 1998 with this lovely video. It's so 90's, and I still love it. Those outfits, well they are just fabulous. Who doesn't love the tight shirt and baggy pants combo? And Justin's blue shirt...a zip-up turtleneck...how can you not want to wear that yourself? And the dancing...the dancing is superb. Take note boy bands of 2014...learn to dance like this. And learn to harmonize (yes...I'm talking to you One Direction...you suck). The hip shaking, shoulder shaking, jumping around like idiots...its what I miss a lot. Dear NSYNC, I want you back! Side note...nice face at around 3:07 Justin!

Let's just have a quick word about this one. Justin...the ramen noodle hair. As in love with you as I was...I always hoped you would ditch the ramen look (and I am so glad you did). This showed off the talents of more than just Justin and JC. And showed us all that if you wear silk PJS in a padded room there WILL be some sort of breeze blowing through. You also think that if you were to ever get locked up, you would hope it would be with them because they kind of made it entertaining. This is a typically overlooked single, but I just wanted to say that I do love it, and support it, and thought it should definitely go here. Also, I really wanted to find Tearin' Up My Heart...but youtube said it's not available in my country. Because that is the ultimate example of wind blowing 90's fashion. But it's cool guys...I found it on vimeo...Check out this 90's awesomeness.

Ahhh...those overalls. SO glamorous.

We move on. Now I know that everyone is shocked that I picked this one over Bye Bye Bye. I love Bye Bye Bye. But I decided due to its popularity I could pass over it for this awesome video. Should we talk about how much I wanted one of those dolls? I saw one at a thrift shop once, but was sadly broke and could not afford it. And my mom did not looked amused enough to buy it for me. She would have changed my life, but noooooo. Moving on. We obviously have the awesome dancing and the fabulous fashion of the early 2000's. I always wondered how anyone passed up on these dolls for the other ones. I mean its good the dancing won the girl over, but still. I just can't get over the shiny pants, or the super red hair, or that super bleached jacket and pants combo. Who picked their clothes? I want to know. I want reasons for these particular fashions.

Such red hair, such dark clothes. Why the random jean jacket?

Ahhhh yes, more awesome early 2000's fashion. This time...turtlenecks. I have one question...how in the world did Joey Fatone NOT get the turtleneck memo? How on earth is he the only one exposing his neck? Does his beard make him warmer and not need it? Does he have an irrational fear of turtlenecks? Also, and like the 1:25 mark...are he and Lance just having a causal convo while the other three are seriously making a music video? Sorry...random observations. And OMG JC's pants....what are they? Also, the little girl...how does she get those bubbles to suddenly be in the woods where NSYNC just happens to be singing? She has quite the set of lungs. It's it kind of ridiculous that I have WAY more observations about fashion on this particular video than the other ones. I think that in the ones before this there was the dancing to distract me, or the ridiculous crazy behaviors in a mental ward. But in this one, there is no dancing. The clothing choices just STICK OUT. But...I do love this song. I just sometimes try to forget about this particular video.

Ahhh yes. This album was the first NSYNC album I owned. You may be shocked by this since I clearly have had such love with this particular group since the 90's. Sadly, my dad did not approve of this particular group. In fact, this album was something I was not allowed to buy. I was quite sad to think that I would NEVER own any NSYNC album until once Christmas I received it as a gift from my sister. I guess it took some serious convincing on her part for her to buy it for me for Christmas, but eventually my dad gave in. I'm sure he later regret that since I played it NONSTOP. So even though I have had such a long run with this group so far, I knew this album by heart. The song Girlfriend made me SUPER nervous. They said "damn" and I knew my dad would not appreciate it, so I remember that whenever we would listen to the song we would scream "darn" so that we could cover it up. I'm sure he never caught on, right mom? Getting back the video I posted, I loved this song. I actually danced to it one year and SO wish I had video of it. At this point in my life it could embarrass me, but I was so excited that my dance teacher picked this song. This song had EVERYTHING. Dancing, beatboxing, a catching chorus. I loved it. And the video, how do you top that dance break? The clothing changes, ah! So wonderful. AND, Justin had a hair cut. MAJOR PLUS!

And then there's this emotional ballad. I loved this song, so much. I realize I have said this about nearly every song, but it's true. I was in love with all their songs. I have nothing to say to make fun of anything about this one, honestly. I really enjoy it. I guess they do look pretty ridiculous just sitting there singing back up to Justin, but we all knew what was happening at this point. We knew that Justin was gearing up to go solo. This song and video was definite proof. We should all probably get over it, but it's still a sore subject.

Now lets just say...it was SUPER hard to know what I should or should not post. So here's some I REALLY wanted to post and discuss my likes/dislikes/loves about but decided against that. Now I'll just post them:

and then there's this beauty: HERE WE GO

I could go on and on. But I should probably be done and move on with my life. But we all know, life has not been the same since this fabulous band... One day NSYNC.... One day...

It's Possible This is Word Vomit, But I'm OK With That.

I must say, I am tired of being unemployed. I do not understand how people just stop looking for jobs and bum around for a good portion of their lives. I mean there's not money, so how on earth do you do that? I just don't get it. How do those people who are just super unemployed (because there's obviously different levels of unemployment...there's just unemployed which is those that are constantly looking and just striking out, and then there's super unemployed which is those that have just stopped trying. I am just unemployed) just sit around all day? I guess if I actually had things to do it would be one thing, but with little money and it just being me and Jake in an apartment...what do I do? Seriously, if you have ideas let me know. Because I can only job search for so many hours of the day without going a little crazy.

I've got a lot of applications out, and some I'm really hopeful for. I mean it's not "the dream job" but I think that will come in time. My dream job really isn't much of a job as it is a lifestyle, and my life right now is not ready for that lifestyle just yet. I have things to pay off and money to save first. I am not at all secure enough for that yet. I could explain, but then people would get ideas and that could just go badly. Come buy me coffee and we'll talk. But for now I want to be useful, and helpful to people. I really want to be able to do something with my life, while making money. Unfortunately, right now it has to be a little bit about the money. There's some jobs that closed yesterday that I'm a little bit hopeful for, but we shall see. It's not in my hands, so I will see what's in the works for me I guess.

That has been such a concept for me lately, and obviously the lesson I'm supposed to really be learning. None of this is in my hands. This is all in God's plan for my life. I don't want to get preachy, because that's not what I'm about at all. Right now this is about reasoning my thoughts for myself and maybe for others. I've kind of been feeling like some people think I'm just giving up or not trying hard enough, and I want to defend myself a little. Because I've been working my butt off, making sure I apply for at least a couple of jobs each day. These jobs are anywhere from basic retail to office work. Stuff that I don't really do that often, but I think I could make work. I have prayed about it each day, prayed about going into each day of job searching with an open mind, which is a struggle. With recent rejections where I had come so close I have definitely had a bit of a self-esteem drop in the job hunt area. There's been tears...lots of tears. But I'm really trying to man up and keep going. I have to keep going. And obviously these jobs weren't meant to work out, which can be hard to see at first. God has His hand in all of this, I know it. It just stings a little bit at first, the rejection. But I'm moving forward because there's clearly more in the works for me.

I know a lot of people think that saying that it's all in God's plan and that He'll make it work is just an excuse for someone to sit back and let it just plop right into your lap. I'm not saying that anyone has actually said that to me, but I've had people say that to me about other situations, and sometimes I do see people use that as an excuse to just sit back and wait. This is not an excuse for me. To me this means that I keep applying, and that the right job will come about. It means that through searching and applying I trust that God will help me find the right one while applying for some that just don't quite work out. It means that He will do the work after I send in my application to whatever position I may be applying to. It means that I shouldn't stress about it, because it really is in His hands and that after the initial step of applying there's nothing more I can do before the rejection or invitation for the interview. This doesn't mean that the rejection doesn't hurt any less, because in some cases it still does. But it does mean that I need to step back and remember who is in control. And honestly, I'm so glad it's not me. Because if it were up to me, who knows what I would be doing right now.

Today I got a really random phone call. I realize now that in order to apply for one of the jobs that I applied for I had to sign up for a staffing agency, and they called me today. It was just so they could get more background on me and set up a time to meet with me to further discuss what I want so that they could help me find an employment solution. They mostly do temp and temp to hire work. And even though I agreed to meet (let's be honest, I wasn't given much of a choice in the matter) I am kind of upset about it. Is that weird? It probably is, but I am just really confused. Because I really know my strengths, and I know how much I would prefer to work with children and help them succeed, so why in the world am I getting set up with a staffing agency? Why in the world am I going to try to get into the temp stuff? I honestly don't get it. I have such a passion for working with kids and helping them grow, and this would not help at all. I'm just really confused as to why things that I apply for that I do qualify for fall through (though maybe the nanny gigs I was close to were just glorified babysitting...I have had that thought) while this is something that pops up. I have never been more confused. But I gotta keep trusting. Maybe this is my next step. I mean, this is temporary stuff. I just....I dunno. I mean it's not like I have to do it. I could go in and bomb all of this (though I promise I am going to give it my all). I could get called for an interview for a job I really want. I don't know what's going to happen. Sorry, this was just a little rant part I needed out of my system. I've been a bit emotional lately with the stresses and stuff I've been experiencing, and I sobbed after getting this phone call. I clearly need to sleep on it and see what I think with a fresh perspective. Maybe it would be ok. I think I just need to stop thinking about it tonight and deal with it tomorrow.

So yes...I realize this is all a bit of word vomit. I think it needs to get out there. I really do. I feel like in some instances I've been defending myself, and I know that I've been working my butt off. I just want to stop answering the question "Have you found a job?" sometime soon. Believe me, it gets old. And when you answer that question with a no, you typically will have more details to go through such as where you've been looking, etc. I appreciate everyone's concern, I do. I'm just exhausted by this all. Please keep me in your prayers. I'm ready for some employment, even if it's temporary part time. I need to bring some money in and do whatever it is God wants for me out here. Taking it one day at a time.