I've got a lot of applications out, and some I'm really hopeful for. I mean it's not "the dream job" but I think that will come in time. My dream job really isn't much of a job as it is a lifestyle, and my life right now is not ready for that lifestyle just yet. I have things to pay off and money to save first. I am not at all secure enough for that yet. I could explain, but then people would get ideas and that could just go badly. Come buy me coffee and we'll talk. But for now I want to be useful, and helpful to people. I really want to be able to do something with my life, while making money. Unfortunately, right now it has to be a little bit about the money. There's some jobs that closed yesterday that I'm a little bit hopeful for, but we shall see. It's not in my hands, so I will see what's in the works for me I guess.
That has been such a concept for me lately, and obviously the lesson I'm supposed to really be learning. None of this is in my hands. This is all in God's plan for my life. I don't want to get preachy, because that's not what I'm about at all. Right now this is about reasoning my thoughts for myself and maybe for others. I've kind of been feeling like some people think I'm just giving up or not trying hard enough, and I want to defend myself a little. Because I've been working my butt off, making sure I apply for at least a couple of jobs each day. These jobs are anywhere from basic retail to office work. Stuff that I don't really do that often, but I think I could make work. I have prayed about it each day, prayed about going into each day of job searching with an open mind, which is a struggle. With recent rejections where I had come so close I have definitely had a bit of a self-esteem drop in the job hunt area. There's been tears...lots of tears. But I'm really trying to man up and keep going. I have to keep going. And obviously these jobs weren't meant to work out, which can be hard to see at first. God has His hand in all of this, I know it. It just stings a little bit at first, the rejection. But I'm moving forward because there's clearly more in the works for me.
I know a lot of people think that saying that it's all in God's plan and that He'll make it work is just an excuse for someone to sit back and let it just plop right into your lap. I'm not saying that anyone has actually said that to me, but I've had people say that to me about other situations, and sometimes I do see people use that as an excuse to just sit back and wait. This is not an excuse for me. To me this means that I keep applying, and that the right job will come about. It means that through searching and applying I trust that God will help me find the right one while applying for some that just don't quite work out. It means that He will do the work after I send in my application to whatever position I may be applying to. It means that I shouldn't stress about it, because it really is in His hands and that after the initial step of applying there's nothing more I can do before the rejection or invitation for the interview. This doesn't mean that the rejection doesn't hurt any less, because in some cases it still does. But it does mean that I need to step back and remember who is in control. And honestly, I'm so glad it's not me. Because if it were up to me, who knows what I would be doing right now.
Today I got a really random phone call. I realize now that in order to apply for one of the jobs that I applied for I had to sign up for a staffing agency, and they called me today. It was just so they could get more background on me and set up a time to meet with me to further discuss what I want so that they could help me find an employment solution. They mostly do temp and temp to hire work. And even though I agreed to meet (let's be honest, I wasn't given much of a choice in the matter) I am kind of upset about it. Is that weird? It probably is, but I am just really confused. Because I really know my strengths, and I know how much I would prefer to work with children and help them succeed, so why in the world am I getting set up with a staffing agency? Why in the world am I going to try to get into the temp stuff? I honestly don't get it. I have such a passion for working with kids and helping them grow, and this would not help at all. I'm just really confused as to why things that I apply for that I do qualify for fall through (though maybe the nanny gigs I was close to were just glorified babysitting...I have had that thought) while this is something that pops up. I have never been more confused. But I gotta keep trusting. Maybe this is my next step. I mean, this is temporary stuff. I just....I dunno. I mean it's not like I have to do it. I could go in and bomb all of this (though I promise I am going to give it my all). I could get called for an interview for a job I really want. I don't know what's going to happen. Sorry, this was just a little rant part I needed out of my system. I've been a bit emotional lately with the stresses and stuff I've been experiencing, and I sobbed after getting this phone call. I clearly need to sleep on it and see what I think with a fresh perspective. Maybe it would be ok. I think I just need to stop thinking about it tonight and deal with it tomorrow.
So yes...I realize this is all a bit of word vomit. I think it needs to get out there. I really do. I feel like in some instances I've been defending myself, and I know that I've been working my butt off. I just want to stop answering the question "Have you found a job?" sometime soon. Believe me, it gets old. And when you answer that question with a no, you typically will have more details to go through such as where you've been looking, etc. I appreciate everyone's concern, I do. I'm just exhausted by this all. Please keep me in your prayers. I'm ready for some employment, even if it's temporary part time. I need to bring some money in and do whatever it is God wants for me out here. Taking it one day at a time.