This is kind of personal, and kind of weird for me to talk about. I don’t really like to talk about this type of thing; I hate to think that I sound pathetic. But at this point I’m kind of struggling with some things and I need to get it out, and if anyone cares enough that is reading this I could definitely use a little help.
Basically, these last few months have been incredibly up and down for me. Like more than I’m used to. I was so excited to move into this house. Was so excited that we were finally having a place of our own again, after 6 months of living in my mom’s basement. And I like this house, don’t get me wrong. I think this house is great for us, it’s just that it’s become less of an us and more of a me. With his job he’s gone a lot. I hate it so much. Yes, this job pays pretty well. Yes, it puts food on the table, which we need, and it pays the bills. Yes, my job is only part time, meaning we need him to work this job. But the fact that he’s not here so much sucks. I honestly have no better way to describe it. I know some people have it worse. I know there are situations that will suck more than this that will come up (if he talks about the whole wanting to be deployed eventually thing again I might lose it) but at the moment this sucks. I’m starting to feel like I can count the days that he’s home on one hand. It’s really hard on me. And with me being insanely prone to seasonal depression it is not going so well. I hate to have to even mention it at all, and I’m probably only writing about it on here because I don’t know who to mention it to. I feel like it either gets overlooked or looked at too closely. I’m not saying that I have no one to talk to at all, I’m just not sure who to talk to. And it’s hard for me to actually talk about this stuff. I’d like to say I’m perfectly fine, so maybe that’s why I feel the need to write about it and put it on a place so public. I honestly don’t know who will even see this, if anyone. Maybe that’s my secret hope. Anyway, so I’m struggling a bit. I spend a lot of time on the internet looking at books I may want to read, playing the Sims, on Netflix, or else I’m watching movies and reading books. A lot of my activities are incredibly lonely I guess. And no, I’m not saying that I need someone here all the time. I just need suggestions on what to do. I guess I just want to be able to fill my time with something. Yes, I work four days a week. I just don’t know what else to do in my spare time besides what I’m already doing. I need to fix this, and I need a pick-me-up. I seem to struggle a lot more when he’s working, and I think that might be because it’s hard with our schedules to even talk to each other. Our schedules have become pretty opposite lately, and it’s frustrating. So I guess I spend a lot of time on my own hoping that we can get the chance to talk, even if it’s just texting. But that’s a whole other thing and not really where I was wanting to go at this moment. Back to my original, I need ideas on what I can do to stay busy, and maybe even help myself avoid the whole winter depression thing, or make it less I guess. I really dislike winter a lot, so normally anything involving being outside in the cold and in the snow is a terrible suggestion for me.
I also need motivation. For a lot of things. I am never motivated to cook for myself. I figure who wants to clean up those dishes, and who really wants to make a mess when it’s just me. I tend to just find something to snack on or skip the meal altogether. Either that or I stick to frozen pizza which I know is not exactly good for me. I don’t know what to cook for myself either. Everything that I find in cookbooks and such is meant for at least a family of 3 or 4, not a single person. I don’t want to have a ton of leftovers sitting around. I need to motivation to actually cook for myself and eat better. I also need to motivation to actually make it to the gym. I have the membership. It’s super close to my house. Yet, for some reason I can’t get myself to get up and go work out. I have no motivation whatsoever and I need it. I’m not saying that I’ve made some ridiculous New Years Resolution to lose a ton of weight or anything. I hate the whole New Years Resolution thing, and realize calling any goal you make that pretty much means it won’t happen. I have a goal in mind for myself, and it’s just to be healthy. And that does involve working out. It doesn’t mean I have to dramatically drop weight and bulk up or anything, but I need to be healthy and active. Of course, I need to be motivated to do that. I could really use the motivation, so anything you can think of to motivate me would be incredibly helpful. I know once I get into a habit of going so many days a week I will be able to keep it, because once you have that habit formed you feel awful when you skip. I want to get to that point. Help me get motivated to do this stuff, please. I’m really struggling to motivate myself to do these kinds of things.
I’m starting another long stretch of him working. It’s really frustrating and hard on me. I hope I don’t sound pathetic. I just am at a point where I am not sure what to do. I am so frustrated with all of this, you have no idea. I’m frustrated with his job, frustrated with money, frustrated with my lack of motivation, frustrated with this house, frustrated with nearly everything. Ugh, I really need a pick-me-up.
I think I’ll just end this now. You’ve already decided if this is pathetic or not, and you’ve already decided how you feel about it. I really don’t care if you do find this as pathetic, because I think this is what I need to do. I’m already feeling a little bit better just having written it out. I really wanted to try to not put anything personal on here, but right now it seems necessary. I’m hoping that I feel less of the need to write something personal next time.